once i wondered...

will we take the walk to forever...
or our last walk...to say goodbye?

i could feel that this is the last walk...
but why won't you say goodbye if is to be?

why won't you release us both...if that's how it should be?

if you no longer share the dreams we once had for us
why won't you give us both the peace we seek?

give me what i need

give me closure.

help me let you go.

ha ha

all the things in here are all illusion

unrealistic ambition

a delusion

and to think i stretched myself into believing he will want to be with me for real...

haaay elaine

GET REAL.

have you ever watched a game show wherein you will be given a chance to choose a box (with an unknown prize in it... and there is the possibility that it could be the jackpot)

then here comes the host..
trying to lure you into giving up the box for an incrementing cash amount...

5,000...?
10,000..?
50,000..?
a million..? (the jackpot prize must be waaay more than that :P )

so what will you do...?

it could be the jackpot... or nothing.

somehow.. i could relate to the contestant's feelings.

when there are many options and chances being offered you...
in exchange for that box...

in exchange for that one love you have been waiting for...
better offers (could be)
better men (could be)

it is scary

but it does not scare me anymore.

because the one who decides is me

and my heart.

you see...

i have already chosen.

my heart has spoken.

it will always be him.

sometimes i laugh to myself...

no

i laugh to myself too often.
it may be that what i have is a vision of my life with someone that i have been waiting for my whole life
but i would still like to think that i could draw the line between a joke and a dream

maybe this is one part of my earth experience that i need to face NOW

ive been running away from it for 15 years

im ready to wait

and see where it will lead me.

no need to fight back.
i will just embrace each day as it comes

if in the end he chooses a different path from me
maybe, it is what i will have to deal with

maybe it will be the moment where i can finally experience why i was here for

exclusive relationship but unspoken?
exclusive 'us' meaning no dates with intent?


sure.



whatever that means :)

i see myself walking down the aisle
there you are at the altar ..
waiting...
waiting to take my hand
then as i held unto your arms
we began our walk....
our walk to forever.

everyday in my heart
this is what i see...

this is what i know
this is what i hold onto


but life, as we know it
operates on free will.
hence springs forth a thousand questions in my mind...

will you be there to take my hand?
are you going to take that walk with me?

are we making that journey now?
are you holding my hand?

would it be our last walk
to say goodbye...?
or to forever?

the day is almost over...
it's time to go home

have i accomplished much?
in the office..yes.

testing of raw data
extraction..uploading..
performance and stress testing..

but now..
i am about to proceed with the most important test of the day...
the question of how much my heart have transformed from the time i woke up this morning..
to now...

hmnn...
lemme see...

i went to the office exhausted...
i haven't had much sleep because I had to watch my two angels till morning
i need to stay alert so we won't miss their medicine schedule which i had been doin round the clock...

now, i will go home exhausted...
because of some assignments at work that needed to be completed..

but my soul is wide awake...
smiling fully..

my heart just can't wait to see my little ones...
maybe God has heard my prayers..
that when I get home..
i would see them smiling.. actively playing..
as if their illness never happened.

has my heart changed today?
yes.

it has become stronger.
more loving.

and it can't wait to be with you
whom she has always been loving too..
forever.

when two souls have the deepest knowing
that it has found another life...
one pure energy of its equal light...
willing to transform.. and sacrifice it all...
willing to be...

and do the journey together...
Across the bridge of forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To you whom i shared prints of my soul...
memories of this world...
experiences that many could only pray for...
thank you for loving me...
thank you for letting me know...
and thank you for this:



For the times that we are lonely...
for the times that we feel that being able to hold on to each other will solve all our fears, all our uncertainties...
for the time that we know, our love is the only answer...

There will be a time that we could be together...
and we will be prepared.

For every mountain I have climbed,
And every raging river crossed,
You were the treasure longed to find,
Without your love I would be lost.

If it all falls apart,
I will know deep in my heart,
The only dream that mattered had come true,
In this life, I was loved by you.

THE ONLY DREAM THAT MATTERED TO ME HAD COME TRUE,

IN THIS LIFE, I WAS LOVED BY YOU,

MY ELAINE... MY LIFE. ~Arden Alcantara june2006

time is ticking away so fast..
so slow...
has time been wasted?
wait til my life tells it all...